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The Odyssey, By Homer
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Odysseus
I rule.
Poseidon
For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.
(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for Greece, where his family is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and it drives them off course into the MEDITERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange LAND owned by the giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but then they ESCAPE. Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE who turns some of Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they escape, and then they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because they have STUFF in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a field of HERBS, and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then Odysseus' men let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on to HADES to talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the ship between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool CHARYBDIS, and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of them DIE. Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by the nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT, and she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)
Odysseus
Poseidon, I am sorry.
Poseidon
Ok, you can go home now.
(Odysseus goes home.)
THE END
The Fellowship of the Ring
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
Gandalf
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.
Bilbo Baggins
It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)
Elrond
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.
(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie where the guy comes back as a DOG.)
Boromir
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.
Frodo
No.
Boromir
What have I done? (dies)
THE END
The Two Towers
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)
THE END
The Return of the King
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
Aragorn
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.
Eowyn
You'll die.
(They don't.)
Gandalf
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.
(They don't.)
Gandalf
We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.
(They aren't.)
Gollum
Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)
Frodo
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.
Sam
Buck up, Master Frodo.
(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save EVERYBODY.)
THE END
Lord of the Flies
By William Golding
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)
Ralph
We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph
We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph
We need a fire.
Jack
Forget the fire. Let's kill each other.
Other Boys
Yeah!
(They do.)
THE END
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone is not just about magic; it is magic, for this single book is mysteriously comprised of two separate texts: there is the printed text that is experienced when the book is read, and there is the secret, more sinister text that is experienced when it is not read. This strange divergence has caused a lot of controversy, but we here at Book-A-Minute maintain the spirit of neutrality and uphold the freedom of personal choice. Rather than forcing our readership to subscribe to one text or the other, we have chosen to condense both versions of the text, thereby permitting concerned parents the choice of which version -- if either -- to read to their children.
